Friday, 5 April 2013

Mummy's milestone

So after ear infection, sleepless nights with baby waking up to attempt crawling yesterday we had 24 of fever up and down as well as terrible smelly diarrhea. With all that going on, plus me working from home I haven't had the time to stop by - neither here or other blogs - which is a shame as everyday we seem to have something new going on and it feels like sharing with everyone.

Despite been poorly for so long lill guy is a trooper and manages a big smile to everyone who cares to looks at him. He is babbling all day - and night - trying to craw and pull himself up. He rolls allover the room trying to get to where he wants to be.

He has finally started to eat a bit better and reduce his feeds - of course that wasn't true yesterday with him burning up so badly - but still won't take formula, or water, or any other liquid for that matter.

Harry is certainly growing and learning a lot all the time and his little caterer is just so captivating, everyone i meet  can tell he is a happy baby and that is priceless.

A lot is going on but this week's big milestone really was mummy's. We have a nanny helping us a few hours a week so i can get my work done. She is just lovely and you can tell she likes Harry and that he likes her and at home I'm happy to let them play and I won't get involved until is milk or kip time.

A couple if weeks ago after spending a whole night on the rocking chair with crying lill guy in my arms and end up crying for hours myself,  i thought i would send them out to a play group so I could catch some sleep and get myself together. Easier said than done. There we were, baby and nanny dressed and ready to go. i had him in my arms, ready to go into the pram. There he was, smiley little boy, the most precious person in the whole world. i couldn't let go. just could not let a "stranger" take my baby away from me. In my head she was going to disappear and I would never see my gorgeous boy again. I could feel something holding me back - it was physical - then i had to look at this lovely girl who never gave me a single reason to feel insecure and say I wasn't ready to let her go out with him. Luckily she is a mum herself and i don't think she felt offended.

On the past couple of weeks i spoke a lot to her and tried to find out as much as I could about her family life. i met her little girl who has been visiting us during this week as it is half term. She loves playing with Harry and you can see she is happy and loved. Still the idea of letting them go out with Harry felt daunting to me. This afternoon however I really wanted to take lill guy out, he was stuck at home yesterday and seemed ready to play today. I still didn't feel like letting them going on their own so i called a local mum who i knew was going to go to this local play group and arranged for them to go together  It was a good excuse as Harry is used to her and her boy, also that way she could show nanny S how to get to the group.

Baby was ready, local mum rings the bell and i was ok. Girls came out with Harry, I made sure to say goodbye so he would know i wasn't coming. Off they went and i thought; this is ok.
Went back in to get myself some lunch before heading out to meet them - breastfed baby, can't leave him for too long.

I felt a bit funny, maybe I came up the stairs too quickly?

Cooking my omelet i thought nothing could happen, after all someone i know was with them. following that reasonable thought was a horrible feeling, my legs started to shake - what if she kills the mum and take my by away? Yes, I did think that.  You see, when you suffer from anxiety the worse case scenario can often pop up in your mind and you just lose reason. Following that thought i was in a full on anxiety attack. Shaky legs, hot flushes, heart going 100s of times per second..

I did try to convince myself that was been silly but failed.

Once i was done eating I got change and headed out to meet my little guy who would hopefully be at the play group and not vanished never to be seen again. On the way I kept on trying to relax but that was just impossible. I felt so dizzy i had to take a bus!

There i was, outside the church hall where the play group takes place, it was really dark in there and for a moment i thought there was no group going on. I shivered head to toes. I then walked in and could see kids playing inside. Harry's pram was in the reception and playing happily on the mat was my precious son, who hasn't winged not even a single time since he left home - so i am told by nanny S and local mum.

I was happy, really happy. it was hard not to show. i have met my son again and didn't feel like letting go ever again. For a second a felt ashamed of myself for been so silly but really I couldn't care less what people would think if they knew what happen. All i know is that i love my boy and we have been stuck to each other for the past 9 and a half months and letting go isn't something i do that well.

i did suffer a lot still i do think that just letting them go out was a big milestone to me. A good thing as well as working from home will only last for another couple of months and we both need to get used to  be apart at some point.

Have you ever left your child with someone who wasn't family? How did you cope with that?

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